Top 5 Tuesdays!!

I know it's Wednesday morning technically but close enough. This weeks installment is brought to you by my brother Neil Rubenstein from Sons of Abraham fame. That was our straightedge jewish brutal ass hardcore band. Yes, really. Peep Neil's Comedy here: www.myspace.com/neilrubenstein

Don't believe in evolution? Don't read this.

5. Wingless Flight

Squirrels and Sugargliders and shit that can leap from tree to tree and glide forever on air caught under their patagium. There's also flying possums... Can you imagine? No, seriously, take a second. How rad would that be? And this is only number 5. Get psyched.

4. Opposable Tails

Monkeys, et al, that can use their tails to hang from or carry things. Very cool. That's a huge advancement. First monkey that carried something with his tail probably blew all the other monkey's minds. They were all struggling with something, or juggling, whatever monkeys do when we aren't watching, and then along came that first monkey, all nonchalant. Other monkeys were mind freaked.

3. Opposable Thumbs

Forget tails, THUMBS! Opening doorknobs, txt messaging. These are pretty important things not a lot of animals can do. You know those guys that only have one thumb? Those guys are bummed. A lot more bummed than dudes with nine toes, thats for sure. And way more bummed than a monkey with no tail. We, as humans, actually traded our tails in, but kept thumbs, thats gotta say something for thumbs.

2. Adhesive Toes

WHAT? Are you kidding me?!!?! You can walk up walls? That's ridiculous. I mean, totally valid trade for being so tiny and shit. Imagine being huge and able to walk up walls? That would creep everyone out. You think for a second if something as big as a dog could walk up walls and just hang out there, we wouldn't have exterminated the entire species? That's too big, with too many weapons, to be hanging out on a wall, just chilling. Spiders are as a big and scary as we can handle. Any bigger, we wouldn't be catching it in a cup and releasing it outside, that's for damn sure.

1. Speech

Fuck yeah! We can talk and shit. I'm sorry, that trumps gliding. I know. It's crazy! I could say all of these things out loud. So what, you can glide from tree to tree? Eagles can just whip by and eat you. I'm down for speech. Eagles can't eat speech. FACT.